i'm not afraid to tell the truth. so, please hear me that this is not a cry for help to men to start making moves at me. this is actually mainly meant to encourage my fellow women in singleness, to challenge those women who are no longer single but have many single friends, & also just for my own friends or anyone who's maybe said these things to a single friend. take it from a 30-year-old singleton: please stop saying the following things to your single gal pals to make them feel better as to why they're still single:
1.) "you must have guys always asking you out on dates." first of all, i can see your good intentions of saying that... but no, i don't ever have men asking me out on dates. & no, that's not an exaggeration. unless i've been in a relationship, i've never been asked out on a date. #funfacts. second of all, a girl hears people assuming that enough, & eventually she starts to think, ok, maybe it's normal for a girl to get asked out a lot.. so the fact that i never am meeeanssss.... what. see the mind games that can form here? obviously we gotta keep our thoughts in check.. but help us out a bit. ask yourself this question before you assume something aloud to your single friends: "what if i'm wrong in this assumption -- how will that make her feel?" if 'crummy' answers that, please go a different route.
2.) "men are intimidated by you." sweet. what do you even expect me to say to that? "oh my gosh, thank you sooo maaach"? i really wonder if people genuinely think this will make me feel better. & YES, I KNOW, you're 'not saying it's a bad thing'... but then you follow it up with your reasons why, usually stating my job or my supposedly good qualities as the main reasons: because i'm on stage. because i lead worship. because i'm a strong, confident woman. (ps, i do appreciate the compliment.) because i grew up with 3 older brothers & had an amazing dad (RIP, daddy). sure, i get it: the wrong guys maybe are intimidated by me... but you don't know that all men, or even most men, are intimidated by me. you also don't know that any guy who's not interested in me isn't interested in me because of intimidation. also, also, for the record: you telling me that men don't wanna date me/i'm single because of what i do a.k.a. the calling God has on my life a.k.a. me living out my dreams does not, i repeat DOES NOT help me. so now i'm just gonna go around thinking, i intimidate men without even meaning to, because that's all my non-single friends keep telling me. who wants to walk around with that, even if it's true? i don't wanna be the one wearing the pants once a guy does come along.
3.) "i don't get it, you're so beautiful." aight this one may seem vain of me to even mention, but hear me out. *to you.* i understand that to you, my sweet gal pal, i'm beautiful. & i genuinely appreciate that. but you have to understand that you are not a guy. you probably don't think like a guy. & i think it's safe to say, all guys see beauty differently, especially differently than we women do. this is NOT a pity party, just truth: you don't know that men see me as beautiful. i understand that in your heart for me, it may make zero sense to you how a guy wouldn't see me as beautiful... but it's possible & likely that a guy maybe doesn't. which is ok, because maybe i'm just not some guys' type. who knows all the reasons? but the fact that you find me pretty doesn't automatically mean home boy does. & you using the fact that you do think i'm beautiful as a protest to why i'm single doesn't do me any good. then i'm tempted to go around thinking men are idiots, how dare they not see my beauty.. which is a whole other problem in itself. my gal pals thinking i'm good-looking does not automatically mean that men must find me attractive too. & again, it's ok if they don't! everyone is entitled to their own different takes on beauty. & the right guy will find me oh-so-gorgeous.
here’s the deal. you don't have to have the answers as to why i'm single. chances are, i never actually asked you why you think i'm single in the first place. sometimes, i just need to vent about my frustrations. this doesn't mean i need you to supply me with empty sayings that leave me feeling more hurt or bitter. just be a friend & listen. don't feel pressure to supply me with reasons why i'm still single. i'm just still single. & that's ok. allow me to be in the season i'm in. who says i can't be single & vibrant? i won't feel more validated if i'm with a guy, & sometimes when the above things are said to me, even if from good intentions, those things make it more difficult to achieve validation from God alone. i know i'm a catch, & one day the right guy for me will figure that out too. but if that doesn't happen, i'm not gonna stop doin me... & you don't have to scramble to make sense of the why not's. God hasn't forgotten me, & i'm not pining away for a guy.. i may be the only woman in the world who's not concerned about some biological clock, but truthfully, i'm actually quite content in my singleness. so, you're good. you're officially off the hook.